I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize