Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
