i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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