Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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