guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
