wanna go halves on a baby?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
