i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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