Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize