I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
