Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
