oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I party with great urgency now.
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