Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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