he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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