capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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