i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
