He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize