i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
