theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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