Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
