Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
