Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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