when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize