we have officially lost it.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
