I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
