I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
