Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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