Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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