It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
