Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And then my night got REAL pukey
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
