Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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