so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
