There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
