Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
