He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
