I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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