My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
