I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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