I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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