Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
