Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
