just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize