I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think my moral compass just broke
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