I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
