How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
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