Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
