Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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