I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
