we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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