Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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