I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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