if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
