Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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