and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
