life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
