im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
