I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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