I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
