saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
