On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize