Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
